the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
