I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
