the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
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