my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
