My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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