Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
