The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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