What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
