Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
