It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize
