So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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