and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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