She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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