Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Actions speak louder than pants.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Randomize
