You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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