there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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