you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
is wine microwaveable?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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