Say something about gay babies.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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