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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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