it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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