if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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