You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
