I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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