My Higher Power is John Stamos
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
It's shark week go big or go home
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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