I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
thus making me awesome and them whores
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
