the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
