You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
