He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
