There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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