come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
