And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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