You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
