Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize