I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
