Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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