I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Randomize
