I think i sorta joined a cult last night
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
