I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
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