You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
