Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
