Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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