Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
