My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
