I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
