mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
