I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
