Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I didn't notice because vodka
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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