If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Randomize