Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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