yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
