we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
