Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
