booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
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