This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
