My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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