Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
