i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Found your dick twin last night
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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