Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
