To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize