Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
