Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
We have started to decorate penises.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
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