OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize