"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
