Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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