i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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