I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize