found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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